Yesterday I tried to get into the main "union" area of Columbia, but my ID card wouldn't work. I had a feeling this would happen so I took a secretive more private entrance so no one would witness the rejection. Of course standing on the other side of the turnstile was an overweight Indian kid in a Columbia sweatshirt. He gave me such a WTF look that I wanted to send him back to Paterson or Des Moines, or wherever he was from. He probably thought (thank god) I was some freshman who can't figure out her own ID card. But I realized in that moment that I am 10 years, 10 showerless nights, and an oversized overcoat away from being one of those homeless people who hangs around Columbia, hanging around the steps, trying to catch vibes of naive inspiration from the scores of bright, shiny faces around me.
Like Owl Eyes, I will wander the stacks of the library, in blissful stupor that all the books are indeed, real books. I'll buy a drink to the first person to get that reference.
Here is an article about homeless people in libraries. It's not supposed to be funny, but it is.
I feel the frustration of a thousand students bending back the cheap flaps on a thousand coffee cups, none of them able to make it click. I feel sorry for myself despite the fact that I am left out not because I'm pregnant, or a drugged-out drop-out, or rejected because I'm Latina...I just graduated. I should feel better than everyone else, but I still feel the judgment from that sweatshirted Indian kid. Ridiculous institution.
I need distraction and focus at once. I need vocabulary flashcards. I need to argue with people though comments on Facebook or responses to opinionated blogs. I need personal statements. I need to pick a future and stick with it. The Road Not Taken was written after the fact, a decision had already been made. I'm sitting at the fork, thinking about teaching in China, volunteering in Peru, becoming a Bollywood star.
We need a new verb for we research fantasy, alternative tracks of life on the internet. I have a whole bunch of them in my bookmarks:
http://www.workinfrance.com/home.php?idRubrique=27
http://www.volunteersouthamerica.net/
http://www.aupair.com/
http://www.cruiselinesjobs.com/
http://www.rangercareers.com/
I need a new word for this, a good verb that can be nominalized easily. (Woah, I just verb-ized a nominalization. Wild.) Any sugggestions?
I am just reading this for the first time, and I instantly knew your reference.. The Great Gatsby.
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