I have multiple degrees of stress that express themselves as circular expressions of whatever tertiary anxieties my primary thoughts are surpressing. Basically my stress is an Inferno. At the core, which I suppose would be Round 4 of the Ninth circle, is catatonic, inebriating stress- sitting in bed all day staring at a shiny doorknob. Or like Bertha in the attic, a future that at times I consider so inevitable I often initiate writing it as a personal goal on applications and career assessments. A milder, more child appropriate stress would be the Fifth Circle of Cleanliness. (The one not-so-next-to Godliness) It usually follows as such: stress, sponge, blasting hot water that burns my hands from inside my gloves while the steam curles my hair and adds to the already flustered cheeks and sweat that acts as a secondary detergent on whatever pan I am scratching the shit out of with the rough side of the sponge. In these fits, there is no purpose for the soft side of the sponge.
Lately, I've meandered into what MJ may refer to as the best circle of stress EVER. The Third Circle of Gluttonous Amounts of Cooking. Since in these times, it is hard to write (OK it really isn't that bad. Time is
always an issue, so keeping that as a control factor, with inspiration levels steady, my educated hypothesis is that reading Virginia Woolf makes it nearly impossible to write anything that doesn't look like Daphne's biweekly bile projections on my carpet. I am feeling insecure lately about writing as it is. I don't know why I put myself through reading Woolf. It's like going through fat phase and calling up that Olsen twin with all the pashminas and emotional baggage and saying, "Hey, do you want to hang out with my everyday, on the subway, before bed, in coffee shops?"
So here is what I have been up to...(Forgive me for naming the dishes. MJ and I started this trend for amusement and they usually come out sounding like names of Chinese resturants, i.e. Golden Sunrise ((MJ's BRILLIANT pineapple, golden raisin, almond and mushroom stirfry.)):
POST MASALA BHANGRA VEGGIE MASALA 
Heat pan with sprinkled Olive oil.
Add garlic and chopped onion.
One can of chick peas.
One can diced tomatoes.
Steamed broccoli.
Mushrooms.
Add spices while it comes to a boil. Turmeric, Masala, coriander, cumin, whatever! Just do it Indian, just do it right. I usually coat the top. Then mix and taste.
Simmer until the broccoli is how you like it. Maybe 10 minutes.
Add sliced almonds in the last 5 minutes.
This dish gets better the next day.
CILANTRO WITH SOME TUNATake three cans of white tuna, drain them and put them in a big bowl.
Mix with a handful of fresh cilantro, a little bit more than seems appropriate.
Chop a little less than half a medium white onion.
One thick scallion stem.
One and a half carrots chopped into little pieces.
One big celery stem chopped thoroughly.
Hunky teaspoon of chopped garlic (I use a jar cause I like the juice.)
Dash or 3 of soy sauce.
Squeeze and entire lemon but first cut into 4ths and remove the pits.
Salt and lots of pepper to taste.
When it's all mixed and tasted, but take a chunk of Mayo, maybe a tablespoon, and mix it in there.
Test it out with a Wheat Thin, it's freaking awesome. Because of the excessive amount of chopping it takes approx 20-30 minutes. (While chopping, watch out for jumping carrot chunks, especially if you have a Beagle whose deepest stare anticipates the blissful moment you drop any morsel.) But! If you have a food processor then it will take ten, but know that you are an artful sellout with no cutlery skills. Oh and wear gloves, your hands won't soon forget the tuna, the scallion and onion.
GOOD TIMES DURING THE GREAT DEPRESSIONPreheat oven 400.
Start up some rice. I use long grain, wild rice organic crap, but use whatever rice makes you happy. While the rice is starting:
Cut a medium butternut squash in half (serrated bread knife is best), remove seeds, and place it cut side up on a pan.
I make a bunch of slits in the squash and place thin slices of butter on those slits.
Over the whole piece the thin slices end up covering 65% percent of the squash. Then I drizzle honey and sprinkle salt and brown sugar so it sticks to the honey.
Add cinnamon if you are feeling adventurous and sexy.
Bake in the oven for about 30-40 minutes. I usually see the edges start to brown and blacken. Then we are ready! Turn oven off.
Rice usually takes 45 minutes and in the last 6 minutes, steam up a veggie and throw it on top of the rice.
Usually only a half of the squash is necessary. The whole dish needs salt and pepper. Squeeze some lemon on the broccoli...always, no matter what dish.
I served this with a side salad containing leaf lettuce, half an avocado, a tomato, fresh cilantro, 1 celery stick, a chopped scallion, and chopped red onion. Squeeze some lime, salt and pepper and it doesn't need any other dressing. Salad tasted better the next day as a leftover!
SOL Y SOMBRISAYou should have half a b.squash and some rice left over. Here is what I did:
Peeled a gala apple, chopped it into thick slices and then chunks. Threw it in a small saucepan.
Covered it with water (I eyeballed it but the apples were sticking above it like 50 %.) Put the heat on. Then sprinkled honey, cinnamon, and a lot of brown sugar. Unfortunately I have no measurements for these. I let it boil then simmer.
While it is simmering, I took the left over rice and put it in a medium saucepan with a splash of water.
I added maybe two tablespoons of black beans, some mushrooms, garlic herb seasoning, salt and pepper. All to taste. I started out on medium heat but then just kept it at low...we don't want the rice to stick to the bottom of the saucepan.
Keep mixing the apples periodically until the brown sugary water begins to coagulate a little and the apples darken.
Cut up the left over squash into smaller chunks, almost mush like, and throw them in. Add salt and pepper and let all the juices and flavors absorb. The whole process I believe takes 20 minutes. Definitely not over half an hour. This is one of those meals that can be kept on the stove on a low low heat absorbing flavor while you peruse Facebook, catch up on our New Yorker articles, or say, write a blog post.
(About the title. I tend take on a severely Latina persona when I am cooking, maybe it's the Spanish translation Post-Its on all the kitchen utensils, maybe it's the strength of social stereotypes. I don't know.) Anyway, the brightness of the apple/squash dish beautifully contrasts the darker earth tones of the black bean/mushroom/rice. We have in one dish: things that grow on trees, on roots, on vines above the ground, under the ground, and in water. They all meet in our belly.
Sometimes there is nothing more relaxing than handling food. For some reason, the BEST stress relief is cutting celery. There should be a therapy program that involves chopping celery all day.
